Feel Good Lost.
http://grooveshark.com/#/album/Feel+Good+Lost/90855?src=5
Drinking. I never could get behind it, and yet now I must to scour all the ill influence and negative thoughts from my mind, along with such inhibitions as the meaningless guilt and shame menagerie on constant play in my mind.
Here's to the good life, wherever it is, whatever it may be.
Even if I'm no longer a gentleman, I will drink like one from now on.
So where have I been? I've stuck myself into one of those eternal ruts to see if it'll suit me any better, to self-flagellate myself for every minor sin I commit in my waking life. It hasn't, and yet I'm stuck in the rut. I wake, I sleep, while everything in-between the two is a matter of lost and wasted time. I blame it on the weather, but even that's not true in the entirety of things. The truth is, I let myself fall so low as to no longer have confidence in my actions or my thoughts, and as such I've become the kind of person I despise the most; someone who lives in every fear of their own shadow. I can't even take a piss without feeling disgusting.
I think I raped myself, it's the only justification for the amount of violation I feel.
Anyway, I haven't seen much of anyone, and I've begun to push away those I still know due to varying reasons; either they haven't changed much, or they've changed too much. I believe they've done the same for me and my intolerable makeshift personality. It makes me wanted to be consistently fucked up on drugs just so my appearance isn't as predictable as theirs.
You don't know me.
Harsh words, but they always fall on deaf ears since no-one ever took me as an honest person.
I hate your sense of humor. You're not funny, you are very annoying. And so I will annoy you back until you never speak another annoying word to me again.
/childish breakdown
annoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoyannoy
/childish breakdown
Except the word "annoy" will be filled with sarcasm hatred laced counter humor in real life when I'm talking to you.
I don't know what I've done or what's been done to me to make such an unfriendly person out of who I was. It's like each day I get further away from all the good things I used to know about myself. I also measure that with each friend I lose.
And so, as the friends and days drop like flies, I consider killing myself or joining the army to have someone else kill me for what they think I believe. And I'm not a pessimist. Should I survive I'll be a better person than anyone else you know. Yours truly will be a new Great Gatsby, forever doomed to be fucked by life and love.
I became abstinent to try and regain my innocence about love. It hasn't worked yet. I'll let you know if it does.
I play guitar better than I used to, but I don't really feel anything when I play it any more. In fact, I rarely feel any emotions, which most people don't take seriously or find hard to fathom considering they still have theirs and never lost them. And considering emotions are the driving force behind most actions, that answers why I never do much of anything.
I don't think I have a soul anymore.
You think I'm exaggerating, joking, being poetic, or I'm simply wrong, well, you can go fuck yourself with a screwdriver. (Funny, I'm drinking a screwdriver right now. 1 - Subconscious 0 - Me) The only times I being completely honest is when I post in this blog, and it just goes to show you never understood me when all of this is (or might never be) held up to my personal history and those who thought they knew me. After all, I'll get the last laugh when I kill myself some years down the line with a favored pistola. And I won't shoot myself in the brain, but the heart. As foolish as that sounds, I don't want to look a mess for the funeral home.
I'm not worth anyone's time. Not even my own. And this isn't an ode to self-pity, just a very long suicide note explaining why I did it. And if I don't kill myself, well, this is just a memoir of how rubbish life exactly is.
Yeah.
5.5.11
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