New Spring.

Can't give in yet, despite myself. Somewhere the realest part of me is still wandering about with a lit lantern, keeping myself from dead ends. And in the night it haunts me like a distant melody from a song, misconstrued and held true to the shape of my mind, in a ghost's "Who are you?". So I wonder, having been crippled, if I can walk again and whether or not I should even try to climb insurmountable walls even if I could. To take my own thoughts and push against the boulder rolling downhill at speeds the last of my kind dropped it at, seeing if maybe this time will be the time I'll succeed in trying to open a new beginning and the potential for a true ending.

I don't speak my best unless I'm pushed to it, because I think it's a waste to show my heart in fear I'll waste it on anything less than what I really want.

All melodrama aside, I got lost in who I'm not, and in that vast clusterfuck of personality, I began picking at the threads that make me who I am. And considering I only had the vaguest idea of who I was and an even vaguer idea of who I'd like to become, it's a goddamn struggle. All's not lost though, after all, I still exist, right? Though I always feel the sensation that time's running out.

What if time is running out? And then I panic. Except panic never helped me in the slightest.

I've been dissolving so long in despair that most of me has wasted away in my character building that nothing's left to remember what it feels like to feel okay, much less good.

god, even my most recent Youself playlist doesn't help.

I figure it'll all make sense eventually. It damn well better, I've been mixing up trying forever, waiting forever, and giving up forever with little success any way I've gone.

All I've got left is my hopes.

So, psychiatrist appointment within the next ten days, gotta find a way back into college, save money for car insurance, and somehow stay sane. Which is considerably harder than expected.

I'm Albumstuck.

Medium is my favorite new instrumental album of the year, courtesy of the Homestuck Music Crew. Check out their other ten billion songs too.

http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/album/medium