Travel Journal #1

I hope, no, I day dream that if I make any more mistakes, I can learn from them. I have become more conscious of my day to day affairs, and I have realized that I accomplish nothing every day. I want to change.

I sit in a car, somewhere I don't want to be, on my way to somewhere I don't want to go, and I want to rid myself of the part that is easily pressured and convinced by others along with the part of me that is desperate enough to want to listen to them. However, this requires me to first convince myself, which is naturally impossible.

I have given up on relating to the desires of other people, because everything they claim to have is everything I want, but everything I see them do I mentally ridicule them for or is impossible for me to accomplish. I really want to be sorry for once and genuinely change myself, but it seems no-one I know is capable of it, and we're all humans, so maybe I can't either.

I haven't been in love for a long time. It might be best for me. On one hand, I have been far more clear-minded, but on the other, I haven't been truly happy in so long. The piss has been taken out of me, I have no vigor to help accomplish anything on the numerous lists of things I wish to do. I need to forgive myself for my past errors, but I want someone else to first, or it's impossible to think I can get past my past self.

It seems like I destroy or under-appreciate everything I have, and I am told I do it because I enjoy being upset. I am told I do it because I enjoy being unhappy and depressed. I am told I do so because I am only happy when I am suffering. After being told that for so long, I've almost come to believe it myself. If I desire anything, it is for these statements to be proven wrong by myself or someone else. Because despite all my unhappiness and 'suffering', I'm not truly happy.

I lack fear. I am not afraid of anything but losing my very own soul. It has come to mind that people are driven by fears that they have to overcome. If everyone else has fears, maybe I need to start being more afraid. If I have something to conquer, even myself, I can get better. I hope I can get better.

I don't feel like I'm growing much these days.